Forgiving is one of the most difficult, and yet, one of the most important things we are sometimes called to do in our love relationship. As much as parts of us want to get the whole unpleasant business over and done with, something inside us wants revenge, wants to see the person who has hurt us suffer, grovel and beg; wants to extract an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth…and the greater the hurt we’ve suffered, the harder it is to contemplate the possibility of forgiving.
Consider the following example:
Rochelle feels devastated! She’d suspected it all along. She isn’t blind and, as she told her girlfriend the other day: “Women just sense these things”. After she'd experienced some sleepless nights, some weeks of making pointed comments and quite some time of feeling confused, insecure and unsettled, Mark finally confessed. When he told her that he had been contemplating having an affair Rochelle’s whole world seemed to collapse. She had sensed that he’d been attracted to his new work colleague from the day she’d first laid eyes on her. Now her suspicion was confirmed. The fact that Mark hadn’t acted on the attraction he was feeling, that he had confessed and asked her forgiveness didn’t even come close to touching the deep sense of betrayal and hurt she was feeling. How could he do this to her, the woman who some years ago had supported him every step of the way through his ugly marriage-breakup? How could he even think of betraying her, the woman who had embraced his children and had created a new home for all of them? She just couldn’t believe it and she most certainly could not forgive him. After all, he had really done her wrong!
Should Rochelle forgive Mark?
Absolutely!
Why - I hear you cry in outrage - should she do that? HE’s at fault! HE’s ‘done the dirty by her’, HE should pay the price!
Why - I hear you cry in outrage - should she do that? HE’s at fault! HE’s ‘done the dirty by her’, HE should pay the price!
Yes, he did wrong (well, at least he toyed with the idea) and, no doubt, this situation put a deep and painful dent into thus couple's relationship. However, Rochelle really only has two useful choices in this matter. She can either decide that Mark is no longer worthy of her trust, thus conclude that without this vital building block in the foundation of their relationship house their marriage is no longer able to survive, or she can acknowledge the fact that Mark ‘slipped up’, appreciate that he confessed and understand that he'd had the courage to ask for her forgiveness because he came to the conclusion that the relationship he has with her is infinitely important to him than anything or anyone else.
If Rochelle takes the first option, the only realistic action she can take is to end the relationship. If she takes the second route, the only useful action she can take is to make the conscious choice of trusting again.
Sounds simple when boiled down to basics but, of course, is nowhere near as simple in reality where we must deal with feelings of betrayal, hurt pride, anger, anguish and fear. All these feelings are legitimate and need to be acknowledged, verbalized and, unfortunately, also need to be felt. Having done this, however, it is time to move on as staying stuck in such an unpleasant space causes couples to fruitlessly walk around in ever tightening circles that only lead to more fights, more anger and endless pain.
Forgiving seems to be one of the most difficult things to do. One of the reasons for that, I believe, is the meaning we tend to attach to the word forgiveness. We might think that if we choose to forgive we are letting the offending person off the hook by saying: “It wasn’t really his fault” or“ What she did didn’t truly hurt me” or "They were right in hurting me and I was wrong in being upset about it”. Clearly, if we think such thoughts as these it won’t be surprising that we can sometimes agonise
for weeks, months and occasionally even years over some hurt, offense or wrong done to us. If this is an experience you can relate to, ask yourself: ‘What purpose does this serve? Who is actually being punished here?’ Your answer, of course, has to me: ME!
So, does it make sense to punish yourself for a ‘crime’ someone else committed against you? Is it useful to hurt yourself even more when you’ve already been hurt so badly? Of course not! But in our distress and anger we rarely think as logically as this. The bottom line is that forgiveness is far more about you than about the offender. Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give away but, above all, it is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. LB Smedes said: “When we forgive, we perform a miracle hardly anyone notices, but when we forgive we heal the hurt we never deserved.”
Forgiveness miraculously blesses you in many ways. It frees your body from the poison of hurt and pain. It releases your heart from anger, hatred and rage and… it frees your soul from the shackles that have firmly tied it to the person you least want to be tied to - your ‘offender’. Last but not least, FORGIVENESS SETS YOU FREE.
If Rochelle takes the first option, the only realistic action she can take is to end the relationship. If she takes the second route, the only useful action she can take is to make the conscious choice of trusting again.
Sounds simple when boiled down to basics but, of course, is nowhere near as simple in reality where we must deal with feelings of betrayal, hurt pride, anger, anguish and fear. All these feelings are legitimate and need to be acknowledged, verbalized and, unfortunately, also need to be felt. Having done this, however, it is time to move on as staying stuck in such an unpleasant space causes couples to fruitlessly walk around in ever tightening circles that only lead to more fights, more anger and endless pain.
Forgiving seems to be one of the most difficult things to do. One of the reasons for that, I believe, is the meaning we tend to attach to the word forgiveness. We might think that if we choose to forgive we are letting the offending person off the hook by saying: “It wasn’t really his fault” or“ What she did didn’t truly hurt me” or "They were right in hurting me and I was wrong in being upset about it”. Clearly, if we think such thoughts as these it won’t be surprising that we can sometimes agonise
for weeks, months and occasionally even years over some hurt, offense or wrong done to us. If this is an experience you can relate to, ask yourself: ‘What purpose does this serve? Who is actually being punished here?’ Your answer, of course, has to me: ME!
So, does it make sense to punish yourself for a ‘crime’ someone else committed against you? Is it useful to hurt yourself even more when you’ve already been hurt so badly? Of course not! But in our distress and anger we rarely think as logically as this. The bottom line is that forgiveness is far more about you than about the offender. Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give away but, above all, it is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. LB Smedes said: “When we forgive, we perform a miracle hardly anyone notices, but when we forgive we heal the hurt we never deserved.”
Forgiveness miraculously blesses you in many ways. It frees your body from the poison of hurt and pain. It releases your heart from anger, hatred and rage and… it frees your soul from the shackles that have firmly tied it to the person you least want to be tied to - your ‘offender’. Last but not least, FORGIVENESS SETS YOU FREE.
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