(a) Body language:
If you haven’t consciously thought about that aspect of
communicating ask yourself how you would feel if:
• Your partner raised an eyebrow in response to something you’ve just said.
• Your husband smiled and nodded in agreement as you speak.
• You detected a smirk on your wife’s face as you are telling her something that’s really important to you.
• You partner didn’t take her eyes off you whilst you speak.
• Your de-facto barely suppressed a yawn whilst you are telling him about something that made you really sad.
• Your lover’s facial expression was one of great compassion and concern.
The feelings you’ve just identified are a clear illustration of the importance of body language. As you have the power to tear your partner down by merely raising your eyebrows at the wrong time, or to build him or her up by giving a nod or smile at the right time, isn’t it a worthwhile exercise to learn as much as you can about body language? Once learnt and used wisely, your knowledge will be of great benefit to everyone you love.
Just to get you started on that process, a few simple rules of effective body language are as follows:
• Look at your partner whilst conversing with him or her.
• When something important is to be discussed, stop doing whatever it is you are doing at the time and give your husband
or wife your full attention.
• Let your lover know by your facial expression that you are listening to him or her.
• Ensure that your facial expression is friendly (or at least neutral) when you look at them.
• Smile at your partner often.
• Also remember that a gentle touch, embrace and kiss can speak louder than words.
(b) Verbal communication:
Basically, verbal communication is a series of two people taking it in turn to transmit and receive information. Easy, right? Wrong!!!! I couldn’t count the times I hear a couple’s complaints: “He never hears what I say” or “She just won’t listen to reason!”
Let’s look at an example of destructive communication:
It’s Thursday night: Jenny, seething with frustration, shouts at Robert who appears to be glued to the television: “I am sick of you! You come home, turn on the telly, grab a beer and plonk yourself in a chair. You are rude and lazy. You don’t kiss me when you come in, you never help and I hate it when you ignore me all the time”.
Robert replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm: “Well, if you wouldn’t always start nagging me the moment I walk through the door I might be a little more talkative and, who knows, even be helpful.”
Thus begins yet another fight in the Selling’s household.
What could Jenny and Robert do differently to get a more positive result?
Consider the following 10 points to more effective communication:
Jenny’s frustration is boiling over - clearly this issue has been festering for a while.
Point 1 – Areas of concern or conflict should be addressed long before they become huge mountains of anger and frustration.
Jenny shouts.
Point 2 - Issues of concern or conflict should never be addressed whilst seething with frustration. At frustration point your capacity to think clearly and rationally is diminished as your emotion is in control of your tongue and your actions. This may cause you to do or to say things you later regret.
Point 3 – Issue of concern or conflict should be raised in a calm, non-attacking and non-judgmental manner. Attacking and judging merely raises your partner’s defence mechanism, which may either cause him to shut you out (won’t hear you) or to counter-attack (yell back).
Robert is plonked in front of the TV at the end of a week-day.
Point 4 – Times for discussing areas of concerns or conflicts should be chosen carefully. Addressing them when either you or your partner is overtired, exhausted or in a rush will not bring the desired result.
“I am sick of you! You are rude and lazy”
Point 5 – Always separate the person from their behaviour. Express clearly how you feel about his actions, but do not slander him in the process. Calling Robert rude and lazy does little more than attack his character.
“You don’t kiss me when you come in, you never help and I hate it when you ignore me all the time”.
Point 6 – Share your feelings appropriately and phrase discontent in language that leaves the other person’s self-esteem intact. This makes it much easier for your partner to ‘hear’ and understand your needs, wishes and desires.
Example: “I am hurt by your action” rather than “I am sick of you”. “I am unhappy with the fact that I need to do all the
evening chores without your help” rather than “you are lazy”. “I feel unappreciated and really hurt when you ignore me, etc.
Robert replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Sarcasm gives a message of disrespect and is a one of the many *communication killers that have the power to destroy relationships.
Point 7 – Give your partner undivided attention. When you discuss issues of concern or conflict your body language should express your willingness to ‘hear’ what your partner has to say.
“If you wouldn’t always nag at me the moment I walk through the door…”
Point 8 – Do not counter-attack. Counter-attacking simply escalates the conflict and brings neither of you closer to a useful resolution.
Point 9 – Do not defend yourself. Rather than defending your actions, which is what most people do when they feel attacked, you need to make an attempt to hear what your partner is really trying to say.
• Listen attentively to your partner’s concerns.
• Accept that these are real for her regardless of how you might feel about them.
• Appreciate that your love-partner is giving you a key to her heart.
• Apologise for hurting her.
• Find out what she needs from you to feel physically and emotionally connected and supported.
…”I might be a little more talkative and maybe even a bit helpful.”
Once you’ve got the REAL message (as in the example above) and have accepted her emotions, concerns and grievances the door is wide open for you to bring your concerns and grievances by following the same process.
Point 10 – Make your own case and choose a way forward. No doubt you have reasons for your actions that seem legitimate to you and need to be aired. Perhaps you are feeling exhausted, overworked, overloaded? Maybe you were raised in a home where mum was the family slave. Maybe you are upset over something totally unrelated. Who knows???
Unless the communication channels are opened between you and your partner, neither will EVER know what REALLY goes on in the other person’s head and heart. Without this knowledge there will be more and more fighting until one or both of you decide that it is ‘all too hard’ and withdraw emotionally. Once emotionally withdrawn, reconciliation
becomes very difficult and your marriage is in serious trouble.
Sharing deeply brings many rewards. Both of you feel ‘heard’ and ‘understood’. As a consequence your self-esteem rises, you feel emotionally connected, nurtured, supported and truly loved.
Congratulations, you’ve successfully cemented yet another important building block into the foundation of your couple’s relationship.
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