All loving parents want the best for their children. You do everything humanly possible to provide for them, to enrich their lives, and to make them feel loved. Perhaps now more than ever, you are acutely conscious of wanting to give your child all the love, support, and guidance he or she needs, but suddenly everything seems harder and more complicated. You and your family are not alone. For more than half of all North American children, divorce is a fact of life.
How parents handle their divorce determines a lot about how their children will fare, both today and tomorrow. That sounds like a big responsibility, and it is. But it is also an incredible opportunity, for no one -- no psychologist, member of the clergy, teacher, friend, or relative -- shares with your child the extraordinary relationship you two have. No one knows your child better than you do, and no one is in a better position to give him the security, guidance, structure, and support he needs now. You may not be a child development expert, but you are something much better: a concerned, conscientious, and loving parent who's willing to learn how to help your child. With your help, your child will not only be shielded from unnecessary pain and confusion surrounding divorce, he will grow and thrive. One day he will be able to look back on his childhood as a loving, joyful time touched by divorce, not a once-blissful state ruined forever by divorce.
Time for a change
The first step we should take as parents, teachers, and concerned adults is to change our thinking about divorce. We need to realize and to begin acting as if we believe that divorce is an appropriate option for a troubled couple who cannot resolve their differences. In fact, many studies have determined that children living in high-conflict but "intact" families grow up with more problems than children from low-conflict, divorced families.
We must stop regarding new family structures -- single-parent, step, and blended -- as somehow inferior and support these families for what they are: real families. We owe it to our children and to ourselves to acknowledge the positive lessons that can emerge from divorce and to communicate with our children so that those lessons can be learned.
I'm always fascinated that we can look back on even the most dire tragedy and see it as a catalyst for emotional growth, yet fail to view divorce in the same light as, say, a parent's death or some other uncontrollable event. Until we separate social, largely theoretical attitudes toward the institution of divorce from our feelings toward those who must experience it, we force families already struggling to rebuild their lives and reshape their dreams to bear an additional burden. In doing so, we punish the children by increasing their alienation and diminishing their self-esteem.
Your child's greatest asset: you
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