How Do YOU Deal With Conflict In Your Relationship?

Whether we like it or not, conflict is very much part of life. It can occur with your partner, your child/ren, your parents, your boss, your employees, your friends, your relatives or any other person with whom you come in contact. Often, it is not the fact that conflict occurs that is the problem, but how you deal with it.

To most people conflict is something from which they shy away. They may be so afraid of conflict that they would do just about anything in order to avoid it. Alternatively, their discomfort might express itself in aggressive behaviour or language .

Ask yourself: “How do I behave when conflict arises in my life? Do I…..”

* Pretend that everything is alright even when it isn’t?
* Withdraw from the person who raised a conflict issue?
* Withdraw from conflict situations?
* Give in or do whatever you can to ‘fix’ the problem, even if you don’t consider it your problem?
* Give another the ‘cold shoulder’ or the ‘silent treatment’?
* Get angry, blame, shame, criticise or use sarcasm?
* Scream, yell and/or become physically violent?

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you would benefit from learning more about effective conflict management and resolution. Learning to effectively deal with conflict is an invaluable life skill.

Here are a few tips:

• Don’t deal with the issue causing conflict in the heat of the moment. Nobody is objective at that time.
• Deal with the issue at hand. Dredging up everything that has annoyed you about the other person or the current conflict situation during the past five years is not helpful.
• Focus on the conflict issue or behavior instead of attacking the other person’s character or motive.
• Don’t threaten or manipulate, and don’t call the other person names.
• Give the other person an opportunity to say what they wish to say. Listen carefully and seek to understand what they are saying from their point of view.
• Don’t push the other person into a corner, allow them to “save face”.
• Don’t be afraid of discovering that you are wrong. If you are, say ‘sorry’!
• The issue causing conflict may not be a matter of right or wrong – you may need to ‘agree to disagree’.
• Sometimes ‘meeting halfway’ may be a necessary compromise to achieving resolution of your conflict.

10 Priceless Gifts for Christmas - Part 2

6. THE GIFT OF FLEXIBILITY

Flexibility is a virtue that can especially be tested at Christmas time. Your ideas around how to celebrate may wildly differ from other important people in your life. What type of gifts, how many and how much they should cost can be a bone of contention. If you are in a blended family environment, as so many people seem to be these days, you may be struggling with questions such as: ‘Will the children be upset if you don’t celebrate Christmas the way they’ve been used to?’ ‘How can you incorporate their wishes with your own traditions?’ 'How can you stay cool in the face of last minute changes that are forced on you by people over whom you have no control. Flexibility doesn’t come easily to most people. If you are one of those I’d strongly recommend that it is amongst the gifts you give yourself this Christmas. Flexibility will ensure that you remain intact even if you can't meet everybody else's expectations, that you will survive frustrating last minute changes and that you'll be able to deal with all the other difficulties that Christmas can bring in its wake. 

Flexibility is one of the sweet rewards of one’s openness to learning, change and growth. (S. Ridden)

7. THE GIFT OF KINDNESS

It’s usually easy to be kind to those who are kind to you. Today I would challenge you, however, to try and be kind even to those who aren’t kind to you. This could be anyone. They might be family members with whom you don't usually see eye, it could be an absent parent, your stepchild/ren, your partner’s ‘ex’, your own ‘ex’, your rellies. I can almost hear you groan as I am writing this : “I could never be kind to the this person or that one. I certainly couldn't be kind to my my partner's ‘ex’ or to my own! Yes, I know it’s a tall order, but it can bring some wonderful rewards. Firstly the ‘ex’ might be so surprised by your different way of responding to them this Christmas that they might be stunned into civil behaviour. That alone will be worth the effort! It also pays to be kind to your stepchild/ren. Why? Because it helps them know that they are welcome in your home, models desirable behaviour and opens the door for them to be kind in return. The kindness you extend to other, especially those who you find difficult to be kind to, opens the channels of greater understanding and greater peace. Just remember 'what goes round comes round." It may not come round straight away, but it always does in the end. 

What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows. (Stoddard Alexandra)

8. THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

Forgiving seems to be one of the most difficult things to do. One of the reasons for this is the meanings we tend to attach to forgiveness. Some of those might be:” If I forgive I am saying that whatever someone else (no matter how bad or nasty) did to me wasn’t really their fault”; “... it didn’t matter and didn’t really hurt me”;” ...they were right and I was wrong”; “... I don’t have the right to be angry/upset/sad…..;, “it’s all my fault; etc. Naturally, attaching meanings like these to forgiveness makes forgiving a very difficult task. There may be few or many people in your life that you have to forgive So, who'd really want to do that? Well, if you wish to live your life filled with purpose, want to be happy and to be filled with inner peace and joy, the answer is: YOU! “Never” I hear you cry in disdain and I do understand. Just like every other human on the face of this earth I've found myself in the position of facing the forgiveness challenge. What I have learned in the process is that although forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give away, above all it is a gift you give to yourself. It miraculously blesses you in many ways. It sweeps from your heart the anger, hatred and rage you may be feeling. It frees you from the shackles that tie you to the ‘offender’ and, last but not least, it has the power to set you FREE.

When we forgive, we perform a miracle hardly anyone notices, but when we forgive, we heal the hurt we never deserved. (L B Smedes)

9. THE GIFT OF PEACE

In this world peace is a precious commodity. Amidst the senseless tragedies that occur all over the globe, the difficulties we face in our own lives and the busyness that is so much a part of our daily existence, peace isn’t easy to come by. Remembering that we can only give away the things we possess ourselves, we need to ask the question: “How do we ensure that we have peace in our own hearts and lives?” No doubt, different people will come up with different answers. Some of you may find peace through their personal values, others through their spiritual beliefs. Whichever one of those may be true for you, just be sure that you don’t neglect this aspect of your life. The only way you can be calm in the midst of the storms that soemtime rage in your life, is through having a peaceful center. Once acquired, you are then equipped to give the gift of peace to those around you. 

The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center, so does a person. (Norman Vincent Peale) 

10. THE GIFT OF LOVE

Of all the gifts we can give at Christmas or at any other time of the year, the most perfect gift is the gift of love. For some of us this may be a whole lot easier said than done? And I truly do understand - but isn’t it worth a try? It will also be easier to set into motion when you remember that every human being wants, and indeed needs to be loved.  They not only need to be loved but need the love to be unconditional. What does that mean? It means that they are loved whether they are good or bad, whether they are well behaved or not, whether they do what you want them to or not, whether they deserve it or not. This may be a concept that you are not familiar with. It certainly isn’t what most of us have experienced in our own families. When you remember, however, that this concept - this need and, indeed, hunger for unconditional love - is just as true for YOU as it is for the next person  - your partner, parents, children and every other person that’s part of your life - it puts a different light on the subject. If this kind of love hasn’t been part of your experience it won’t come easily to you. All the same I’d encourage you to try because love is one of those special gifts that, once given, returns to you a-thousand-fold and will bless you (and all those who are the recipients of it) more than any other gift every could.

Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. (Dr. Karl Menninger)

There are three things that remain – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is LOVE (Bible – 1 Cor 13:13)

MERRY CHRISTMAS !